Back at it...sorta...

After months of being away from creating,

well...not counting painting walls,
ceilings
and furniture...

I am,

I think,

ready to work on the wild raspberry shop again.

It seems a little strange to be doing this solo,
but I think it will be o.k.

Chas is following her heart and pursuing photography,
and I am following mine with this little shop.

I have always wanted a home business that's not so much a business, but a hobby and a joy. In sewing, crafting, creating beautiful things, I find a great outlet that fits in perfectly with my role as wife, mama/grandmama and home maker. One that will not be top priority, but will fit in nicely with our family life.

Amidst all the chaos and struggles, right now may seem like an odd time for me to be doing this.

But frankly,
opening up a little shop again
is a welcome diversion.

With Shauna's illness life kind of stopped.

I don't regret it a bit.
I'm not complaining.
It just was~is so.

We stopped running,
gardening,
crafting,
sewing.

Things just seemed hard.

Chas and I have talked about it often.

It was just hard to do those things when Shauna couldn't.
We didn't even have the desire to.
None of it felt right.

But now, what is there left for us to do?

We kept waiting, hoping, praying that she would get better.

And now she is gone.

Our lives will NEVER be the same.

Our Joy has been tempered with a bitter sweet quality that will never be what it once was.

We have learned a lot.
We are continuing to learn a lot.
Lessons we really didn't want to learn.
Lessons that are harder than hard.
Lessons that focus us sharply on Heaven,

but also lessons that focus us on
finding and enjoying the beauty of TODAY.

We long for the day when we can be with her again...
but until then we have to put one foot in front of the other.

We have to live and do,
like she would want us to do,
like God wants us to do.

So, I am.

I am excited about it.
I think Shauna would be excited with me and for me.
She would have so many great ideas, and pictures to show me that she had saved.
Her blue eyes would sparkle as she said "Oh, do you know what I saw??? Did I show you...???"

Chasity always came up with great ideas she had found on a beautiful blog, or a cute little shop she had stumbled upon, or a great magazine photo...
I'm not sure I'll do so great without the two of them to inspire me...
but I know it is going to be good for me.
It is going to be fun and I am looking forward to just...
trying.

I am going to try to take pictures of my sewing/craft room this week.
(certain friends keep asking for pictures...ahem, Joy)

I already put a few goodies back in the shop with some new pictures of them.

The lighting in my sewing room (thanks to hubby) is really nice.
That, along with the vintage and antique pieces
I have been picking up cheap the last few months
(auctions....sigh....I do LOVE auctions...)
should make for some nice pictures,
even by this pitifully amateur photographer.

We'll see.

Anyway.

Whatever happens I'm trying to dance in the rain.
~~~~~~~
Hubby and I were home and worshiped watching OABS this morning.
Tonight we all left him here to worship with OABS solo.
I had not left him yet, but of course he did fine.
He just stayed put.
:)
We had a lovely family supper tonight,
after evening worship,
full of laughter, stories, good food and good times.
I am so grateful for the family that God has blessed us with.
We just love each other so much!

I hope your weekend was blessed with friends, family, Faith and love as well!

Love to you all,
~m.

Adjusting...

Time keeps on moving, and while I can't stop it, sometimes it makes me mad. That seems to be my first reaction to a lot of things...now more than usual unfortunately. The last two days of sunshine have lifted everyone's spirits. We have tried to get back to some "normal" day to day activities, but then when we do get busy and feel normal, it feels odd, and I feel guilty, sad, angry. These feelings are fleeting, but real and I have to deal with them.

I know I don't need to feel guilty, I share this because, this is where I am, not because I don't know where I should be. I'm torn between wanting to feel normal, and feeling like normal isn't right or possible, or it's too soon.

When I stop and and make myself think about it, I know that God intends for time to help and heal. That Shauna wants it that way and that is good and right. But it's just hard. Losing someone of this magnitude, this woven into the fabric of our life is not "move-on-able". I guess we "adjust" is the best word I can come up with. But Shauna will never fade away or be forgotten. Life will go on, and we will heal, but we won't really ever "move on" as some might recommend.. Anyone that knew Shauna, just knows that she is not "move-on-from-able". Period. I don't think that anyone who knew her would want to.

I know that normal will creep back into our days, more than stumbling through them. It is happening to some extent already. We are spending less time in tears and more time smiling and even laughing. It's too hard to stay in this place of deep grief for ever. And again, Shauna would not want us to. She would want us to make our "adjustments" to life without her, then live it for all we're worth. She would want us to love every day with our family and friends with all of our hearts. She would want us to love on our husbands and kiddos, cuddle them and kiss them all and hold them close. She would want us to paint, and plan, and garden and run. And we are trying. Oh, we are trying, to find a zeal for those things again. But it is slow coming.

I did paint today. I finished painting my sewing room, and David wired up all of the lights. The sunshine was pouring in, and I thought how much she would love the sewing room, and of all the projects I hope to do some day and how she would love them. How she would smile her sparkling smile, with those shining, twinkling blue eyes, and offer some great suggestions. I wished we could have talked about them, and planned some together. But I know one day we will sit down together again. We might not be talking about projects and painting and sewing, but we will have so much to talk about and to catch up on.

I am going to live a good life, an obedient life to God, because I love HIM and I long to be with Him. But also because I am determined...So determined to sit myself down with my Sweet Shauna and have a good long talk again. I see the three of us sisters and our children sitting cross legged in a beautiful grassy field in Heaven with wild flowers all around, making daisy chains, basking in the Love of our LORD, talking and laughing, that deep down, throw your head back, belly laugh.

And then it won't mater how hard it was, or how long it took us to "adjust" because we'll be together for all eternity. And this silly life with all it's sorrows and its earthly joys, just won't have mattered a bit.