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Sunday, April 24, 2011

Back at it...sorta...

After months of being away from creating,

well...not counting painting walls,
and furniture...

I am,

I think,

ready to work on the wild raspberry shop again.

It seems a little strange to be doing this solo,
but I think it will be o.k.

Chas is following her heart and pursuing photography,
and I am following mine with this little shop.

I have always wanted a home business that's not so much a business, but a hobby and a joy. In sewing, crafting, creating beautiful things, I find a great outlet that fits in perfectly with my role as wife, mama/grandmama and home maker. One that will not be top priority, but will fit in nicely with our family life.

Amidst all the chaos and struggles, right now may seem like an odd time for me to be doing this.

But frankly,
opening up a little shop again
is a welcome diversion.

With Shauna's illness life kind of stopped.

I don't regret it a bit.
I'm not complaining.
It just was~is so.

We stopped running,

Things just seemed hard.

Chas and I have talked about it often.

It was just hard to do those things when Shauna couldn't.
We didn't even have the desire to.
None of it felt right.

But now, what is there left for us to do?

We kept waiting, hoping, praying that she would get better.

And now she is gone.

Our lives will NEVER be the same.

Our Joy has been tempered with a bitter sweet quality that will never be what it once was.

We have learned a lot.
We are continuing to learn a lot.
Lessons we really didn't want to learn.
Lessons that are harder than hard.
Lessons that focus us sharply on Heaven,

but also lessons that focus us on
finding and enjoying the beauty of TODAY.

We long for the day when we can be with her again...
but until then we have to put one foot in front of the other.

We have to live and do,
like she would want us to do,
like God wants us to do.

So, I am.

I am excited about it.
I think Shauna would be excited with me and for me.
She would have so many great ideas, and pictures to show me that she had saved.
Her blue eyes would sparkle as she said "Oh, do you know what I saw??? Did I show you...???"

Chasity always came up with great ideas she had found on a beautiful blog, or a cute little shop she had stumbled upon, or a great magazine photo...
I'm not sure I'll do so great without the two of them to inspire me...
but I know it is going to be good for me.
It is going to be fun and I am looking forward to just...

I am going to try to take pictures of my sewing/craft room this week.
(certain friends keep asking for pictures...ahem, Joy)

I already put a few goodies back in the shop with some new pictures of them.

The lighting in my sewing room (thanks to hubby) is really nice.
That, along with the vintage and antique pieces
I have been picking up cheap the last few months
(auctions....sigh....I do LOVE auctions...)
should make for some nice pictures,
even by this pitifully amateur photographer.

We'll see.


Whatever happens I'm trying to dance in the rain.
Hubby and I were home and worshiped watching OABS this morning.
Tonight we all left him here to worship with OABS solo.
I had not left him yet, but of course he did fine.
He just stayed put.
We had a lovely family supper tonight,
after evening worship,
full of laughter, stories, good food and good times.
I am so grateful for the family that God has blessed us with.
We just love each other so much!

I hope your weekend was blessed with friends, family, Faith and love as well!

Love to you all,

Friday, April 22, 2011

Learning to dance in the Rain

Thank you for your continued love and prayers.

We have been home from the hospital for a few hours now.

David is settled in nicely and I have most things unpacked and put away. Unfortunately he had to wait over an hour to take more pain meds once we got home. Moving around is NOT fun at all for him, but he is very tough and not a complainer. His pale face, clinched jaw and sweaty forehead are sadly dead give aways, though.

But now I can hear soft snoring coming from his chair right behind me, and I am thankful he is resting so well. He really needs it.

He will be having surgery to put in pins, screws and plates to try to fuse the many pieces of his broken fibula (if I didn't mix it up, it is the larger of the two bones) back together. The tibia has only one fracture. We are very, VERY thankful it was not worse...just a fraction of an inch higher and his knee would have been crushed too...even harder to repair. Pretty things do not happen to a strong leg, even one belonging to my Superman hubby, when it is crushed between an Expedition tow hook on a front bumper and a tool box.

It was just an accident, but the person who was responsible (or irresponsible in my way of thinking) was fired. David did not want him to be. He holds no ill will or grudge, but it was his bosses decision and I think the right one. It was quite a painful and costly mistake to make, and at my poor husband's (and the shops) expense.

We pray for no infection, no falls and no further damage before they can operate some time in the next two weeks, and for the pain to be able to be controlled. We sure would appreciate your prayers for the same.

We are a bit of a pair...after stopping to get his prescriptions, and a pizza so I wouldn't have to cook, he had to sit and watch me struggle to carry in a few bags that were overloaded. My soreness/tenderness/weakness on the right side has been worse the last few days. Probably just a bit of stress and not sleeping well aggravated it a bit...those hospital chair beds...ahem...not great.

Along with that, I am already a bit pink. I have always preferred medium~ rare,
to well done, and I am hoping that is how I will turn out! :)

Before anyone hollers something about our kiddos helping, Josh was at work,
and we let Candice, Robert and Dustin go on to a Youth Rally tonight.

It all got done, just a bit slower than I would have liked.
We are way too young to feel this decrepit and I double dog dare any of you to say any differently!!! :)

One day at a time though, and we will be just fine. These difficult times make us realize our blessings and point out our need for our Father, our friends and our family.
We really do love you all and are so grateful for you.

I am most especially grateful for our God that does not shun me when I am weak and fearful, as I have often been in the last several months, crying out for strength, begging Him to increase my Faith and to help me to not be afraid, whatever the future holds.

We have had a lot of discussions/Bible studies/ prayers about how hard life has been, how we want it to be easier, how we are sometimes afraid it might not be...and how, while we MAY ask God to help times to not be so hard, we must realize the answer may be NO...
so the deeper focus of our prayer life is to ask God for STRENGTH for whatever lies ahead,
and for a cheerful heart to handle it.

I know I am not telling you anything new.

But let me say, knowing this, and living this are two different things.

I have been through hard times before, and I survived

LOTS of folks have, and are, going through harder times than us, right now.

But I think(and I suspect others do to) that I have still tended to live in that "God will take care of it, everything will be o.k." simplistic attitude.

I am not saying that God WON'T take care of us.


I am not saying that at all.

I am saying that sometimes God taking care of us
just may not be what we have in mind

We mean "God, make it EASY!"

We mean "God, I'll be faithful and not worry if you just don't make it too hard."

We tend to let ourselves feel protected from the big physical struggles/illnesses/traumas,
things that God NEVER promised to protect us from.

Then, guess what?
When they come, our faith is shaken,
some times destroyed because it was built on false hope and misguided trust.
God's promise of Peace is a Spiritual one.
Yes He is here with us now, in this Life.
Yes He hears our every prayer.
But His Peace is not like the world's peace.
Jesus said that Himself.
It is a confidence of perfect peace and rest after this hard, hard life is over.

It's a peace we get now for the promise we'll receive some day.

It's sobering.

I think it is difficult to properly focus on sometimes,

because we are caught up in wanting a more perfect life down here.
An easier life.


It's just,
we might need to grow our spiritual maturity level a little...

or a lot

and realize
that it just might not get easier for a while.

Again, I'm not telling you, or me, anything new.

I'm not telling you I like it,
or I've got it down.

If you've read much of what I have posted on facebook lately,
You'll know my struggle with this.

I wonder if when God looks down at me he sees a child
"kicking and screaming"...
that's the visual image I have of myself sometimes.
A tantruming child shouting "I don't want it this way!!!

Yep. Knowing it and living it are two different things.

I am working on it.
Boy, I get tired of saying that.

I recently came across a beautiful saying that I believe carries an Heaven sent message:

"Life is not about waiting for the STORM to pass...

It's about learning to dance in the rain."

These words walk hand in hand with my struggle...with knowing what I need to do, and working on doing it.
These words speak to me like the words of God Himself

No, I haven't gone off my rocker.
No, I'm not elevating a saying to be equal to God's word

It's simply HIS idea I see in these words.

Don't let trouble knock you down...stay happy, faithful and focused on Heaven.

I hope that if you're like me, and you catch yourself waiting for the perfect,
trouble free day, that you will
stop it.

THIS is the best day we are going to get and the only day we get TODAY.

You know the old saying "Make hay while the sun shines" Meaning, seize the moment to do the work at hand...well, that's right.

But as Christians, we need to be making hay all the time in the sun and in the rain.
Kind of live in the sunshine, or make our own...Hmm...another post talking about sunshine again.

That has been the thought in my heart.
Struggles and Rain always makes me think of Sunshine and Shauna,
now more than ever.
That is how Shauna lived.
She had a whole passel of rainy days,
yet she still lived in the sunshine.

I am working with all my might to dance in the rain.

Like Shauna did.

Like God wants me to.

I don't and won't always get it right but I'm trying.

I hope you do too,
and I thank you for helping me to.

Love you all.

I'm gonna go kiss my hubby really softly on top of his head,
get a drink of water and finish my movie.
Nite friends.


Saturday, April 2, 2011


Time keeps on moving, and while I can't stop it, sometimes it makes me mad. That seems to be my first reaction to a lot of things...now more than usual unfortunately. The last two days of sunshine have lifted everyone's spirits. We have tried to get back to some "normal" day to day activities, but then when we do get busy and feel normal, it feels odd, and I feel guilty, sad, angry. These feelings are fleeting, but real and I have to deal with them.

I know I don't need to feel guilty, I share this because, this is where I am, not because I don't know where I should be. I'm torn between wanting to feel normal, and feeling like normal isn't right or possible, or it's too soon.

When I stop and and make myself think about it, I know that God intends for time to help and heal. That Shauna wants it that way and that is good and right. But it's just hard. Losing someone of this magnitude, this woven into the fabric of our life is not "move-on-able". I guess we "adjust" is the best word I can come up with. But Shauna will never fade away or be forgotten. Life will go on, and we will heal, but we won't really ever "move on" as some might recommend.. Anyone that knew Shauna, just knows that she is not "move-on-from-able". Period. I don't think that anyone who knew her would want to.

I know that normal will creep back into our days, more than stumbling through them. It is happening to some extent already. We are spending less time in tears and more time smiling and even laughing. It's too hard to stay in this place of deep grief for ever. And again, Shauna would not want us to. She would want us to make our "adjustments" to life without her, then live it for all we're worth. She would want us to love every day with our family and friends with all of our hearts. She would want us to love on our husbands and kiddos, cuddle them and kiss them all and hold them close. She would want us to paint, and plan, and garden and run. And we are trying. Oh, we are trying, to find a zeal for those things again. But it is slow coming.

I did paint today. I finished painting my sewing room, and David wired up all of the lights. The sunshine was pouring in, and I thought how much she would love the sewing room, and of all the projects I hope to do some day and how she would love them. How she would smile her sparkling smile, with those shining, twinkling blue eyes, and offer some great suggestions. I wished we could have talked about them, and planned some together. But I know one day we will sit down together again. We might not be talking about projects and painting and sewing, but we will have so much to talk about and to catch up on.

I am going to live a good life, an obedient life to God, because I love HIM and I long to be with Him. But also because I am determined...So determined to sit myself down with my Sweet Shauna and have a good long talk again. I see the three of us sisters and our children sitting cross legged in a beautiful grassy field in Heaven with wild flowers all around, making daisy chains, basking in the Love of our LORD, talking and laughing, that deep down, throw your head back, belly laugh.

And then it won't mater how hard it was, or how long it took us to "adjust" because we'll be together for all eternity. And this silly life with all it's sorrows and its earthly joys, just won't have mattered a bit.