Time keeps on moving, and while I can't stop it, sometimes it makes me mad. That seems to be my first reaction to a lot of things...now more than usual unfortunately. The last two days of sunshine have lifted everyone's spirits. We have tried to get back to some "normal" day to day activities, but then when we do get busy and feel normal, it feels odd, and I feel guilty, sad, angry. These feelings are fleeting, but real and I have to deal with them.
I know I don't need to feel guilty, I share this because, this is where I am, not because I don't know where I should be. I'm torn between wanting to feel normal, and feeling like normal isn't right or possible, or it's too soon.
When I stop and and make myself think about it, I know that God intends for time to help and heal. That Shauna wants it that way and that is good and right. But it's just hard. Losing someone of this magnitude, this woven into the fabric of our life is not "move-on-able". I guess we "adjust" is the best word I can come up with. But Shauna will never fade away or be forgotten. Life will go on, and we will heal, but we won't really ever "move on" as some might recommend.. Anyone that knew Shauna, just knows that she is not "move-on-from-able". Period. I don't think that anyone who knew her would want to.
I know that normal will creep back into our days, more than stumbling through them. It is happening to some extent already. We are spending less time in tears and more time smiling and even laughing. It's too hard to stay in this place of deep grief for ever. And again, Shauna would not want us to. She would want us to make our "adjustments" to life without her, then live it for all we're worth. She would want us to love every day with our family and friends with all of our hearts. She would want us to love on our husbands and kiddos, cuddle them and kiss them all and hold them close. She would want us to paint, and plan, and garden and run. And we are trying. Oh, we are trying, to find a zeal for those things again. But it is slow coming.
I did paint today. I finished painting my sewing room, and David wired up all of the lights. The sunshine was pouring in, and I thought how much she would love the sewing room, and of all the projects I hope to do some day and how she would love them. How she would smile her sparkling smile, with those shining, twinkling blue eyes, and offer some great suggestions. I wished we could have talked about them, and planned some together. But I know one day we will sit down together again. We might not be talking about projects and painting and sewing, but we will have so much to talk about and to catch up on.
I am going to live a good life, an obedient life to God, because I love HIM and I long to be with Him. But also because I am determined...So determined to sit myself down with my Sweet Shauna and have a good long talk again. I see the three of us sisters and our children sitting cross legged in a beautiful grassy field in Heaven with wild flowers all around, making daisy chains, basking in the Love of our LORD, talking and laughing, that deep down, throw your head back, belly laugh.
And then it won't mater how hard it was, or how long it took us to "adjust" because we'll be together for all eternity. And this silly life with all it's sorrows and its earthly joys, just won't have mattered a bit.